20 July 2011 | Day 09_
I caught your attention with the title did I not? You might want to continue reading…
Zombie. Blogging was almost impossible these past few days. While everybody was talking about the latest Harry Potter movie during the weekends, I, together with my co-Political Science majors, was trying to digest a dead man’s literature – Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics. Some days before that, I was hoarding thick books in the library for my five-page expository essay in Political Theory. I was doing a lot of things. Well, finally, today I’m a little bit free.
Yesterday, I had a feeling that I will be called for the usual one-hour one-to-one recitation in Political Theory since I was not well prepared and have read only up to Book II (we were asked to read until Book V). I was telling my classmates that I had bad vibes that I will be doomed yesterday. Lo and behold, I was right. Sir RR asked me to stand for one hour to answer all his questions. Well, things did not turn out so well. I may have answered some, but I myself was not confident of my answers. I even have a feeling that Sir RR does not like me and wanted to grill me to death yesterday. One of my classmates even told me in my face after the class something like “ang loser ng mga sagot mo” and another second the motion by explaining what I did. I feel no anger with them, what they said were true. But nonetheless, I thank God because I survived.
Today, I received my first long test in POS51. I got 41/50 and I am happy to get such. Honestly, I was lost in thoughts, out of myself, and certainly distracted during the time I took that test. I expected and have prepared myself to get only around 35 to 37. It is God’s grace I almost got a B.
Broken chains. They say people come and go. Sometimes they are by your side, sometimes they go. People always go and you have to be prepared when they do so. When they go, new people come into picture. People whom at first you won’t fit with but as time walks by become essential to your life. Old people may enter the frame as well. People from the past whom you promised to never to interact with again to prevent people to go.
I am happy to finally fit with my blockmates as the clock of my sophomore year began ticking. I appreciate that I am included in the group already and congratulate myself for exerting effort to do so. I believe I am friends with them already.
But then, good things always partner with the bad. I have made friends but to the expense of letting those previous important people in my life go. Those people whom I once considered friends but proved to be friends only in times of glee. Those friends who laughed at me and made fun of my conflicts with other people instead of trying to help resolve them; those who won’t include me in their gala and gimik but one day will chat me on Facebook saying “pare, favor…paki-explain naman ‘to oh…”
I remember those high school days when these friends would come to me to borrow books and ask me to help them in Math or explain an English story. I was happy to help them back then. I was happy to make them understand Math unlike anyone else in campus. I was happy to be their takbuhan when they need anything.
Twice I asked for a mini-reunion, a getting-together at SM. I wanted to see them again but every effort was turned down with bullshit excuses. One day, one friend’s dad visited at our house and said “O Roger, di ka kasama sa kanila? Gumala sila sa Maynila ah.” I was rendered silent, looking down at my dog, who paradoxically looked so happy.
Once I have expressed my opinion on a status in Facebook that eventually led to a mini-debate. Two minutes later, I saw them starting the same argument, making fun of it, making it look like I am blind to see updates in Facebook, making me look like a dumb shit in my room.
I have to let them go, as much as I do not like to. Years and years of friendship have come to an end and chains have been broken at last. I continue to wonder if once in a while they remember me when they are having a hard time in school. I wonder if they have reflected on turning my offers down when I have patiently helped them in school back then. I wonder…I wonder if they are looking at those graduation pictures when we were all happy. For me, I think I don’t exist at all in their minds and hearts. Maybe it is just right that they forget me already, that I be erased in their memories.
The end? Old people say teen relationships never last and it is only when you get a little bit older that a relationship would finally nail in. I was horrible these past two to three weeks and continue to be a lonely figure until this day and maybe until the next long periods of time. I have been misunderstood as I am all the time. We have quarreled twice in a row and she says it is because of me not being true to my words. Maybe she is right, but for me I am not. I have always been true to my words but it seems that I am wrong all the time these past weeks. We have even talked about these fucking things even before entering college and I remember them all. But then what?
I was not able to concentrate on my school things because of these arguments. I thought my expository essay in Political Theory is senseless and trash, and maybe that is why RR magically inserted the topic of writing papers while I was reciting. I blabbered unnecessary things to my teacher during my graded recitation. You’ve read what my classmate said right? Once in a while I see myself staring at nothing, doing nothing, making nothing, and later realizing that I was thinking the happy moments that we used to have and asking myself “where did I go wrong?”
I have always said things for her but then this morning I found out that she experimented on exposing her legs. I was trying to get concerned, get mad, or feel anything. But then…I found out that I don’t care anymore. “It’s your fault,” I imagined telling her if she got into trouble and complain at me.
It has been almost two years since we found ourselves in that situation of falling with each other everyday. Two years have almost passed since we promised to never give up on each other. Two years may soon mean nothing at all…
Maybe it is my fault. Maybe there’s something in me that continue to put barricades between us. Maybe I am shit. Maybe I suck. But once in a while, my other self would tell “maybe not” and once in a while I believe he is right.
What’s next? Well, I don’t really know. I am here in the Ateneo library, reminded of my friends by people who do not really care whether I am here or not. I am here, reminded of her by sweet couples holding hands and looking happy. Maybe I need a break. Maybe Harry Potter tomorrow would somehow lessen my worries. Maybe if we go back to what we used to be, but that is impossible. Maybe if she goes back to that time that I fell for her. Maybe if she would not act like dirty. Maybe.
I remember writing in one of my essays that I was never happy. I thought I was happy with having my friends before. I thought I was happy when we became us. But maybe they are just thoughts, just impulses. I was never happy. And maybe when all of these end, I would be.
– Erson (∞)